i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
