The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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