hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he fucked my hip out of place.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
