Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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