her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
