I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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