Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize