Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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