I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
