I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
