Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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