You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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