Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
