4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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