i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
