you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
