So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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