You were right. It hurts to walk today.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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