Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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