Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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