I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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