I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
