We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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