FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
