my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
