I wish I could punch you in the face.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
