I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
