he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I want to fling myself into the sun
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
