Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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