you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
