in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
