My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize