dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
