i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i will never coherently bang her
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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