i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
