Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
