You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
