No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We talked him into tasing himself.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I am never drinking with the goths again.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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