I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
