I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize