I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize