I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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