And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
