I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
