Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
