I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
