also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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