I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
