I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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