oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize