I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
