This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
